An open letter to Falmouth MP Sarah Newton on behalf of the Durty Disco Royal Revellers and other abnormal folk

Dear Mrs Newton,

A

funny thing happened the other day, I don't know if you noticed it or not.

David Cameron, you know the guy, your boss, the Prime Minister, the man who

lives in number ten Downing Street despite not actually winning the election,

well anyway, David was out walking his neutered Cocker Spaniel affectionately

called "Cleggy" when he noticed something. 'Oh dear' thought David to himself

'recession, major job losses, student riots, this whole country seems to be on

a bit of a downer. I should probably do something about that.' So David

finished walking Cleggy and returned to Downing Street where he sat in his

favourite chair and began to ponder what could be done to buck up the flagging

spirits of the British people. That's when he looked over at his coffee table

and noticed the gold trimmed wedding invitation that sat upon it. 'Eureka!'

cried David, knocking over his cup of Earl Grey 'I've got it! Prince William

and Kate Middleton are getting married. That's exactly the symbol of unity and

joy that can be used to restore a bit of national pride to this Big Society.'

So David excitedly made his way to parliament, a local youth club where he

sometimes likes to hang out, and made the following announcement:

"I'm

very much saying today if people want to have a street party, don't listen to

people who say it's all bureaucracy and health and safety, and you can't do it.

You don't have to pay for street closures, you don't have to have special

health and safety permission because there are councils out there that are telling

you, you do need these things: You don't. So, if you do want to celebrate with

Catherine and with William, you should go ahead and do so."

A hushed pause

fell over the country, particularly over its younger members, or the unemployed

masses as they are also known. Had he really just said that? It must be true

because David is a politician, an elected official, and they certainly never

lie or go back on anything they have said (cough cough Nick Clegg cough cough).

Now the Royal family are no longer the symbol of British Pride they once were,

But Will and Kate are different. He is a charity worker, a dedicated member of

the rescue service and far more relatable than any other member of his strange

aristocratic cult, and as for Kate, well she is one of

us, a commoner, although having studied at university some may go as far as to

suggest that she is not a 'normal person'. But despite this the nation has

fallen in love with this couple, just as they have fallen in love with each other.

We were overjoyed by the news of the wedding and we wanted to join in with the

celebrations, after all we did pay for the wedding, and now good old Dave had

said we could without council permission

and health and safety restrictions. Cheers Dave, you finally did something

right, and it only took you a year.

All

around the country communities began to band together in a way that they had

not since the last royal wedding three decades earlier. Bunting was hung,

sandwiches were prepared, speakers were mounted, and smart dress was optional,

and things were no different in the Cornish paradise that is Falmouth. Ah yes,

Falmouth, that's your constituency isn't Mrs Newton, and what a diverse and

amazing place it is. As well as being a port town, sea side resort, and home to

many proud Cornish citizens, Falmouth is also a bustling student town. Home to

the University College Falmouth, one of the most respected arts universities in

the country, Falmouth is a place beloved to those fortunate enough to have

lived and study there. In exchange for the education, lifestyle, and countless

experiences they gain from their time there the students offer their own input

to the community, such as dedicating the skills they have learned to making

Falmouth a creative hub that is the envy of the rest of the country and of

course pumping their lovely money into the local economy. Of course you already

know this Mrs Newton, so you don't really need me to repeat it, but I will

anyway, in bold, THE STUDENTS ARE AS

MUCH A PART OF THIS TOWN AS ANY OF THE 'NORMAL PEOPLE' WHO LIVE THERE. Sorry,

where was I? Ah, yes, the party arrangements. All over Falmouth plans were

being made, on every street, in every house, people of all ages and all walks

of life were thinking of ways to celebrate with Will and Kate, after all David

Cameron had told us to do it, if anything it was his idea. You do know David

Cameron don't you Mrs Newton? Your boss, the Prime Minister, the man who lives

in - oh right, we've already done this haven't we?

Now

it is inevitable that things change, such is the way of life. The street

parties that occurred thirty years ago at the last royal wedding, were vastly

different from the ones that were thrown to mark the wedding of Queen Elizabeth

to Prince Phillip. Ideas of fun, music, and acceptability vary from generation

to generation. The thought that Elvis Pressley was once considered obscene

seems just as ridiculous to our generation as I'm sure the things that we look

upon as controversial will appear to the generations that follow us. I have no

doubt that in twenty years I will be sat in my living room ordering my child to

turn off whatever it is that qualifies as music for their generation. Change is

part of life, it cannot be fought, this is why we have our memories, to reflect

on the times that we enjoyed while the new generation is busy creating their

own memories. You can take part, you can watch from a far, but you should never

try and stop it. Now with all this in mind it is safe to say that when the

Davester made his big announcement he was probably thinking more along the

lines of pin the tail on the donkey and a bit of Spice Girls on a boom box,

tragically once again David was painfully out of touch with the sentiments of

the rest of the country.

Now

here is where things start to get a bit confusing, well not for me, I was

actually there, but certainly for you Mrs Newton and the members of the ever

ill informed press. The Marlborough Street Party was not an actual street party

as such. Instead it was a series of residents along the Marlborough road

deciding to play music in their front garden. Some news sources have quoted the

number of people as being around a thousand but in truth it was closer to two

hundred and fifty, again I can say this because I was actually there. Despite

the press coverage and your own confused belief that this was purely a student

affair several of the parties were thrown by local Cornish residents, or 'normal people' as you elected to call them. The age of revellers ranged from

around one to fifty four, the music varied from pop, to rock, to electronic to

reggae, there were even live performers. There was a town fete feel to the

proceedings that I'm sure was the very kind of thing your boy Dave had in mind

when he suggested the country have a right royal knees up. At no point did

anyone suggest that the party should take place in the middle of the road, but

even if they had I'm fairly confident that the Prime Minister had stated quite

publicly that road closures weren't necessary. Furthermore this was not an

event with tickets, it wasn't even an event. People band together collectively

and decided they wanted to have a good time. There were no organizers, no

promoter. No one was in charge because no one needed to be. We all agreed on something

and did it together, basically the exact polar opposite of what happened in the

last general election.

A

lot of the press has been aimed at a local promotion named Durty Disco, Durty

Disco is a local promotion that puts on a popular monthly night at the Local

Rugby club, I'm sure you and your husband have attended. Or at least I'm sure I

saw someone who looks a lot like you throwing shapes near one of the speakers

last month. The promoters of Durty Disco are former students of UCF after the

completion of their degree chose to stay on in Cornwall and ply the trades they

had learnt here, essentially you can look at them as semi-normal people, or day

walkers and Mudbloods as I am sure you would refer to them. Whilst the Durty

Disco boys may have had the biggest sound system and the best music, this

remained within the proximity of their house and as soon as they were asked to

stop the music by the police, they did. Fair enough some might say. The music

that continued to play was a sound system belonging to a local family, normal

people if you will, until they too were asked to turn it off by the boys in

blue and did so accordingly. The suggestion that action should be taken against

any students for the party, is ridiculous, this was not a student affair this

was a British affair. If you want to take action against anyone, take action

against the British public, after all your party seems to have a history of

doing exactly that.

It

seems everyone has an opinion of what happened on the day, except none of them

were actually there. There was no carnage, no chaos, and no riot. Yes perhaps

the music was a bit too loud for the older residents of the street, but no one

was ever approached and asked to turn it down, if they had been they would have

done so accordingly. There was a police presence there, and I whilst I suppose

you are expecting me to say something along the lines of 'fascist pigs bla bla

bla' I'm not going to. The police were cordial and friendly; they kept a

distance, asked crowds to move for cars and at points even commented on the

friendly vibe of the gathering. Perhaps walking around with sniffer dogs was a

bit of an aggressive signal, clearly they had got their dates confused, Friday

was the royal street party, the Marlborough road crack binge wasn't until the

following Tuesday. But satisfied that nothing illegal was going on the dogs

were put back into their vans. But then it happened, the thing that has led to

the mass coverage and negative press. A local Falmouth lad, not a student but a 'normal person', decided to throw a bottle at a policeman. Not the most

intelligent decision ever made, and certainly not in fitting with the mood of

the day. As anyone who ever studied physics can tell you every action has a

reaction, and unfortunately for our *****y young anarchist the reaction to his

action was a few thousand volts of electricity to the chest courtesy of a

police stun gun. Some may call this an overreaction, after all he was only a

small lad and could have been quite easily tackled to the ground having just

disarmed himself by choice. But everyone knows boys love their toys and before

anyone could say the words 'is this how normal people are supposed to behave

Mrs Newton?' the lad was on the ground flapping around like a fish out of water.

Thanks

to the actions of one drunken idiot, I mean normal person, and the itchy

trigger finger of an overzealous policeman the mood of the day was very nearly

sullied. The music stopped abruptly, crowds were unsure of what to do, had it

been ruined Mrs Newton? Had David's big dream of a united England fallen apart?

No of course it hadn't, it started as a low rumble, and gradually grew louder

as the gathered crowd started to sing in unison the countries national anthem.

God save our queen, now I don't know if God does exist, and if he does then I'm

sure there are far more worthy candidates for saving than someone who lives in

a heavily guarded castle but on this occasion something took over. I found

myself singing, cheering, hugging the person standing next to me, it took me a

moment to realise that it was a forty year old man I had never met before, not

a student Mrs Newton but a normal person, a genuine, real, normal person! It

had worked, David's big plan had worked. After a round of hip hip hoorays for

the newlyweds the crowds began to disperse. There was no chaos, no attack on

police cars as reported by various ill informed news sources. Several people

even waited behind to clean up any empty bottles and cans and within a couple

of hours Marlborough was back to the way it had once been.

Now

I am not a fool Mrs Newton, although the tone of this letter has been quite

jovial I am aware of certain things. Firstly, large crowds can be intimidating

particularly to older members of a community, who have watched their town

change dramatically over the last ten years with the influx of new students as

the university continues to expand. It was suggested to me that I say something

about student housing in this letter, that the students should be provided a

place to live away from the general public. But I disagree I am an ex- Falmouth

student and I felt honoured and privileged to be accepted within the Falmouth

community, I have many close friends who wear their Kernow roots with pride and

have never once made me feel like an emmet. It is the blending of students,

tourists, worker and 'normal people' that makes this town so special and anyone

who disagrees is a fool. Perhaps the music was too loud, this again is a fair statement,

but as soon as it was requested that the music be stopped it was, with no

argument or aggression. Everyone co operated and got along, you could even call

it a coalition if you wanted, although that word has lost some meaning in

recent years. It's a shame that people

seem so intent on focussing on the one small incident that tarnished the

positive mood of the day. Can't you see Mrs Newton, this was a good thing? The

community came together, men, women and children. You had skaters, DJ's,

musicians, dancers, chefs, artists, film makers, and photographers all coming

together to say 'Yes, I am proud to be British, let's forget the sorrows of

this crumbling empire for one day and just enjoy ourselves.'

Mrs

Newton my letter is drawing to its close and I want you to know that I respect

you, I have researched your credentials, I am aware of the good work you have

done. You seem like a kind and intelligent woman. So surely the press must have

misquoted you when you said that Falmouth used to be a nice place for normal

people to live. Perhaps what you actually meant was that Falmouth is now an

amazing place for extraordinary people to live, and if that is what you meant

then I whole heartedly agree. The Marlborough Road street party was a one off

and it won't happen again, but I consider myself lucky to have been there. It

brought out the best in the majority of people and as much as it pains me to

admit it I find myself indebted to David Cameron for suggesting it. Well done

Dave. Perhaps certain issues do have to be addressed, discussed and certain

apologies should be made, but at the same time watch the videos, look at the

photographs. To see that many people with smiles on their faces in an amazing

thing, so I say thank you. Thank you Will and Kate, thank you David Cameron,

thank you Falmouth, and more than anything else Thank you Britain.

Yours sincerely

Elliot Hyams

Former Falmouth student and resident, proud British Citizen,

and normal person.

The opinions expressed in this letter are representative solely of those of the writer. Elliot Hyams is in no way affiliated with Durty Disco, Falmouthpeople.co.uk, UCF, or anyone who has ever voted for the Conservative party